There is a structural unfairness in new-baby gifting: everything arrives for a person who cannot focus their eyes, while the two adults who have not slept in nine days get a card. The baby does not need anything. The parents need acknowledgement that this is extremely hard and that they are allowed to find it funny.
‘Go the F*ck to Sleep’ is the canonical gift here for good reason — it is a beautifully produced children’s book that says the thing every new parent is thinking at three in the morning. The dad-specific items are the other gap worth filling, since almost nothing arrives addressed to him. All under twenty dollars.
The baby does not need anything. The parents have not slept since Tuesday.
The short list
- Your Baby’s First Word Will Be DADA · $5.00
- Mama Needs a Mother F*cking Nap Coloring Book · $7.99
- Go the F*ck to Sleep · $9.44
- The New Dad’s Survival Guide · $9.99
- Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones · $12.86
- "I Only Cry When Ugly People Hold Me" Bodysuit · $12.99
- "Daddy’s Drinking Buddy" Bodysuit · $13.95
- "You Can Do This Dad" Bodysuit · $13.95
- Funny Sarcastic Parenting Pens (5-pack) · $13.99
- "Daddy’s Sippy Cup" Whiskey Glass · $16.19
The best under $10
Where this list is strongest. Nothing here costs more than a sandwich and several of them are the funniest things on the page.
One
For dad, under $5
Your Baby’s First Word Will Be DADA
A board book that trains babies to say "Dada" first, with Jimmy Fallon’s help. Dad’s secret weapon in the "first word" competition. Mom may object.
Buy on Amazon UKTwo
For mom, under $10
Mama Needs a Mother F*cking Nap Coloring Book
A sweary coloring book for the new mom who deserves 10 minutes of peace. Stress relief with attitude. Crayons not included, naps not guaranteed.
Buy on Amazon UKThree
Books, for parents
Go the F*ck to Sleep
The bedtime book for parents, not kids, that says what every exhausted mom and dad is thinking. Beautifully illustrated, deeply profane and painfully relatable. A must-have new parent gift.
Buy on Amazon UKFour
For dad, books
The New Dad’s Survival Guide
Man-to-man advice for first-time fathers, written with plenty of humor. Practical tips with no lecturing. Survival odds improve greatly.
Buy on Amazon UK$10 to $15
The sweet spot: cheap enough to be a casual gift, solid enough not to look like one.
Five
Books, for parents
Welcome to the Club: 100 Parenting Milestones
A funny illustrated book of the milestones nobody warns you about, like your first poop explosion. New parents will laugh and cry at the same time. Welcome to the club.
Buy on Amazon UKSix
Baby clothes
"I Only Cry When Ugly People Hold Me" Bodysuit
A onesie that gives the baby a hilarious excuse for crying. Every relative will want to hold the baby just to test it. Savage but cute.
Buy on AmazonSeven
Baby clothes
"Daddy’s Drinking Buddy" Bodysuit
A onesie that makes the baby dad’s new favorite drinking buddy (milk only). Perfect for game days and family barbecues. Cute, funny and a little bit rowdy.
Buy on AmazonEight
Baby clothes, for dad
"You Can Do This Dad" Bodysuit
A pep-talk onesie for the nervous first-time dad who is learning on the job. Encouraging, hilarious and very much needed. A great first-time dad gift.
Buy on Amazon UKNine
For mom or dad, under $15
Funny Sarcastic Parenting Pens (5-pack)
Five ballpoint pens printed with sarcastic sayings about the glamorous life of a new parent. Perfect for signing daycare forms and endless thank-you cards. Small gift, big eye-roll of solidarity.
Buy on Amazon$15 to $20
The top of the budget, where the objects start being things people keep.
Ten
For dad, glassware
"Daddy’s Sippy Cup" Whiskey Glass
A whiskey glass for the new dad who has earned his own sippy cup. Funny, classy and very useful after 3 AM feedings. Cheers to dadhood.
Buy on Amazon UKHow to choose
Address it to the parents. The simplest way to stand out is to put their names on it rather than the baby’s. Every other parcel that week is for someone who cannot read.
Dad is under-gifted and easy to surprise. Four items below are specifically for him, which is four more than he will get from anyone else. The ‘Daddy’s Sippy Cup’ whiskey glass is the pick at around sixteen dollars.
Humour about exhaustion is a kindness. New parents are surrounded by advice and sincerity. A colouring book about needing a nap is a small permission slip to admit it is hard, which is worth more than another muslin.
Questions people ask
What is a good funny new baby gift for the parents?
‘Go the F*ck to Sleep’ at around nine dollars. It is the definitive new-parent gift, it is genuinely well made, and it says out loud what both of them have been thinking since the hospital.
What is a good funny new baby gift for a dad?
The ‘Daddy’s Sippy Cup’ whiskey glass at around sixteen dollars, or ‘Your Baby’s First Word Will Be DADA’ at around five. Almost nothing arrives addressed to the father, so either lands disproportionately well.
Should you give a new baby gift to the baby or the parents?
The baby will receive a great deal and need none of it. One small thing for the baby and one thing for the parents is the combination that gets remembered — and if you only buy one, make it the parents’.